Thursday, December 23, 2010

2010: The Desert

The Desert

Maybe this is second to the darkest part of my life for this year.

For its greater part, 2010 has been like a desert for me wherein I'm walking but I don't know where I'm going. It's very vast and wild to the senses that I almost came to the point that I am quitting.

I can cite three great events this year which left a mark, a scar on my personality. Three rocking events in 2010 that made me walk anywhere to look for myself.

One. Summer

Summer. Summer. The summer of this year is an unforgettable one for me. This is the summer in which I looked for myself, but I can't find it.

I looked for it in boys. Though I enjoyed for some time, I realized that my enjoyment is not really in them and what comes out of them. (bahala na kayong mag-isip.).

Nagka-isyu pa nga na nagdadala daw ako ng boys sa bahay... Well, that's a no-no for me. It's true that I'm allowing and entertaining my visitors when they come into the house, but to allow a man to enter the house for pleasure...!

Two. Mother

July the First. For the first time (and I'm not proud of it), I had a greatly painful fight with my mommy. Because of her old age and behavior which I can't take anymore, I was forced to leave the house for a day. I returned in the evening, but because of the pain and shame, it was not until the Sunday following that I came to her knees and asked her forgiveness.

It was repeated just days after I turned 20. it was so painful that it took me almost two weeks to talk to her again.

Malamang nga, dumadaan sa ganoon ang mga anak. Doon nagiging matatag sa pagsasama ang isang mag-ina.

Three. Parish

I need to add this, since it happened recently and I admit that it caused me so much pain in the heart and in the neck.

It was the fifth day of Simbang Gabi, when because of a certain situation, an old fellow at the Ministry scolded me and said to me that I have no right whatsoever. It made me go low again. Hindi pa nga ako nakaka-move on sa problem ko with the parish priest, ito pa ang mangyayari.

Thank goodness, some action has been done. He is on his way to suspension...

This goes aside to what happened last summer between me and my parish priest. This month, I was humbled to go and approach him. Forgiveness is on its way, and I know that the Lord is leading me to the right thing to do.


I admit, I searched for myself for this year, and I failed to find it. I always pray that the day will come next year that I would find my own oasis in life.

But for now, as Fra. Dave and many friends of mine said, I must chill, and face my problems in a calm mood.

Well, high hopes for 2011!

BïTZëëlöG_122310 :)

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