Tuesday, November 15, 2011

In Darkness and Solitude...

No writings since how many days  ago. It was not due to laziness (which I almost always blame every time I am supposed to write on something but can't just because), but instead it was more of this emptiness I can feel inside me that  even my passion for writing (typing, maybe) is affected.

I am in a dark corner as of the moment, the light only comes from the laptop monitor and from the Virgin's oil lamp in the makeshift sanctuary a few meters from my study table. The darkness seeps through my innermost being, as I search for answers for the question which is creeping me for sometime now. No, from years ago. No, from the moment of my birth. This question covers much of me, demands much of me, tries to uncover all of me.

Where do I go from here?

I'm just a few months away from being a free learned man. I am just days and weeks away from the graduation which I so wanted for four (no, it's five) years already. I am all eager to finish this course, to do everything to give it a final blow, from my OJT which will eat my morning, to my Thesis writing which will cradle me through the night. Wala nang atrasan!

More than anyone else, I thirst for the achievement which I will receive upon marching through the stage. I passed through every hindrance, from my own weakness to my family's dispute, from my classmates' negative sentiments to the semester of 5.00's and UW's. I had successfully passed through all of these. If I had done it before, how come I can do it especially now?

But along with this thirst for achievement and success, still there is this emptiness and darkness deep inside me. It's indeed creeping, haunting, surprising. I'm new to this emptiness. No, I should better say that I'm used to this emptiness, but I'm not used to its rising intensity. As I draw near to the peak of my dream as an educator, there is this thing of the past which is still clinging on my foot. 

I tend to forget it, and yet there are still moments when, like a giant, it awakens from its deep slumber and continues to tickle my wild aspirations. Like it is telling me to take its trail and have no fear in facing it. Like it is telling me that something bigger awaits me the moment I seize the opportunity and fulfill it to the last drop of my blood and last breath from my nostrils.

This giant is indeed big, because it covers much of my childhood dreams. It is big, due to its large demands. I can see myself not prepared to walk its steps and face its challenges. How I wish I am all-able to face  it fearlessly, but I know, to the depths of my intellect and emotion, that I can't!

The sacred office has no room for lunatic and dumbfounded people like me. I'm not even worthy to partake in its rituals, its sacrifices, its obligations. I keep on discouraging myself, because for all these time I know I can't. 

But, look! It is still clinging on my foot, and it gives me this semi-total chaos, this immense darkness, that even recitation of the chains has no (immediate) relief or response. I may be sure to graduate, but after this, I don't know what will happen. I opt to continue trailing the educator's way, but there is another trail ahead calling me to take it.

I'm confused.

I'm more than confused.

I'm in a total crisis.

What, indeed, is my calling?

Which path should I take?

What should I do?

Where do I go from here?

I'm searching inside and outside my persona as I look for answers. I keep on searching for quite sometime now. I search, and different answers come. I search, but I continue to ask. I search, and I know that time will come that Divine Providence will provide me with the right thing to do.

I see the light illuminating  from the Virgin's corner. I never tire to ask her for answers. This darkness is immense, but I know that the light will come in God's appropriate time. This thirst is reaching through my depths, but I know she will always be there to comfort me. 

But I pray this quenching, this light, this fulfillment may come in the quickest possible time. I know it will come... but when?

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