Thursday, June 18, 2015

The Rain is Pouring...

I write this post on a rainy afternoon, thus, the title. xD

But kidding aside, I haven't written that much on what I have been lately. I seldom write; gone were the days when I am addicted to writing just everything on my blog. Maybe, it's because of my age, or my other commitments which took much of my creative juices. Time took its toll on me, not only in my looks, but also in my physical capacity.

Silently, I've been battling on the struggles of life. The problems I faced in the current years were not anymore as easy as those when I was still a teenager. I was an explorer back then; I explored many things, from my talents, to my service, to my sins and sexual tendencies. Back then, I was happy with what I was exploring. My family had its own struggles, but then I was still carefree. What's important for me then is that I'm happy with what I'm doing, even if it would bear negative fruit on me in the future. Eh ano? Masaya naman gawin ito at iyan, eh.

It is true, that what we sow now, we shall reap later. All these things took fruit in the recent years, with the scandals and sickness I faced. People stood up and started throwing mud at me. Some of them, sadly, were my friends, or I thought they were. I failed on my choice of people to put my trust on. They have many reasons why they were doing this, but all of these because of one thing, anger. This they carried in their hearts all these years. This became their driving force to use all means, especially social media to drag me down, as if I'm the most damned person on this side of the world. They used my weakness to raise themselves as the greatest Catholics the world has ever had, contrary to what I show.

Yes, I reaped what I had sown. I did fail. I did things wrongly. The sins I did in the past now had born fruit, and I now face the consequences. I was neglected by the people I placed my trust to, and now they drag me down because of the things of the past. The past events planted a stigma which led to a tendency for me to break down every time it is discussed. Eventually, I was alone. I don't know where to go. Simply put, I was dry.

I became sick. Stress led me to suffer another sickness along the way. My body accepted every negative vibe which led to its weak state now. Though I can still manage to do tasks, I have to admit my body is not anymore as tough as my younger self, at this age. Of course I need to take a significant rest, but I just can't let go of what I'm doing.

All these, I carried in silence. I have been traumatized by the past events, and yet I had endured everything in the silence of my heart. Despite the pain it brought, I still looked for room to ponder on these things. I know that fighting back is of no worth for many reasons. I spoke once or twice on this, then it's enough. In silence, I asked the Lord to ease the pain I'm enduring, or at least to let me understand what's happening.

And indeed, the Lord took charge! He sent people who cheered me up during those moments when I was down. He brought surprises along the way, which gave me hope that I'm not really doomed as people said I am. I realized that behind the darkness of my past is a future full of hope, that God lets me pass through these things to measure my trust in him. There is still a reason to be happy despite the trials and ill-treatment of other people.

Every saint has a past, and every sinner has a future. This adage from St. Augustine became my battlecry for the past few months. And true enough, as I look back at myself, I realize how God changed me from a sinful being to a person struggling to pattern his life after his Lord. Yes, there is still hope. There will always be a reason to live and love.

As the rain pours, I know the dryness in me will be quenched. As I put these things into writing, I know that as I continue moving on towards a better future, God would be there to stay. I will be healed. Everything will be fine again.

Past is past. There's always hope.

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